Saturday, June 18, 2011

Roger Ebert Can't Stay Awake During Movies

"This is one of those Identikit movies, assembled out of familiar parts from other, better movies. It begins at the end of "Halloween II," when the monster was burned up in the hospital parking lot, but it's not still another retread of the invincible monster. In fact, the monster is forgotten, except for a lab technician who spends the whole movie sifting through his ashes." - Roger Ebert, in his review for Halloween 3.

Roger Ebert is a moron.
Halloween 3 isn't connected to Halloween 2 beyond them sharing a name, the holiday, and Halloween being shown on a TV in a bar explicitly referred to as an upcoming MOVIE.
The man that sets fire to himself isn't Michael Myers. He plays a big role in the plot, he's referred to multiple times. We see him. He sets fire TO HIMSELF. Michael Myers, on the other hand, DIED IN AN EXPLOSION in 2. There's a difference between "dying in an explosion" and "setting fire to yourself on screen."

"He wants to sell millions of Halloween masks to the nation's kiddies and then brainwash them to put them on at the same time, whereupon laser beams at the base of the neck will fry the tykes."

Correct. In that one scene has a woman being shot in the mouth with a laser from some button thing that got planted on the lead woman, and the masks turn kids heads into snakes and insects. That's... kinda close? I mean both involve people dying, so there's that.

"A young girl named Kirsty has been placed in a hospital after a night in which she was tortured by the flayed corpses of her parents, who were under the supervision of the demons of hell." - Roger Ebert, on Hellraiser 2.
He's a bit closer to at least grasping the movie in his review for Hellraiser 2, but still has several misfiring braincells. Remember that it's Kirsty's mother and Frank, not her father. Also that the cenobites don't side with (or supervise) either of those two. Her father's just a poor schmuck that accidentally lets Frank loose, and gets killed offscreen.

"Kirsty!" we hear. And "Tiffany!" And "Kirsty!!!" and "Tiffany!!!" And "Kirstiyyyyyyy!!!!!" And "Tiffanyyyyyyy!!!!!" I'm afraid this is another one of those movies that violates the First Rule of Repetition of Names, which states that when the same names are repeated in a movie more than four times a minute for more than three minutes in a row, the audience breaks out into sarcastic laughter, and some of the ruder members are likely to start shouting "Kirsty!" and "Tiffany!" at the screen."
This one doesn't sound like bullshit until you've seen the film and realize it's merely an exaggeration of a scene towards the end. It's also more "Tiffany!" than anything. It's not even to the extreme of that scene where Marion gets captured in Raiders and repeatedly shouts "Indie!", Tiffany's name is shouted maybe 3 times in that scene. -Maybe-.

Sorry for the short article. Wasn't my intent to even write one today, I just stumbled upon a bunch of Ebert's horror film reviews and had to share some the idiocy before my brain exploded.
I used to mock Siskel for liking Carnosaur, and although I'm still not sure how, at least I've yet to see anything -that- dumb from any of his old reviews.

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