Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Sometimes I like to pick up a movie based entirely on the poster. Rumpelstiltskin is easily one of those times.

So how does the movie stack up to a poster like that? Well, not very well at all! But this time you don't have to take my word for it. If any of my readers have Netflix, you can find this one available on their streaming service! You can join in on the fun!

The film begins "Somewhere in Europe - 1400s." That's so damn vague. Somewhere in that one hundred year period, somewhere in this massive continent. That is where our film begins. A hunchbacked ferengi has stolen a baby, and villagers that can only speak in stock crowd noises aren't happy about it. Odo is nowhere to be found, so instead they just take to waving torches at him. Thankfully, the ferengi gets distracted long enough while eating some fat guy's eyeball that they're able to take the baby back. This guy really needs to work on his priorities. So, a magic old gypsy puts a thousand year curse on him, says Rumpelstiltskin three times, throws glitter on him, and this causes him to turn into a very large stuntman in a heavy suit on fire. That's a pretty cool trick. Then she turns that stuntman into a big green turd. That's not as good of a trick. ...and then she throws that into the sea. Wouldn't it be a better idea to bury it?

We get our title screen, which clarifies the film is infact Ruiiiplestiltskin, the three i's being replaced by fingers which are clearly not connected together. The credits also alert us that someone named Ulrich is in this movie. I'll keep my eye out for drama queen drummers. There's a couple of cops on patrol, and by on patrol I mean focusing on talking aboutnone of the cop's wife's new baby's name. We can already assume the cop and his wife will probably be heroes, since Rumpelstiltskin has that baby obsession. I'm confused, though. The prologue was set in the 1400s, the curse lasts 1,000 years, this isn't the 2400's, this is the 1980s. Anyway someone tries to carjack someone in broad daylight right next to a cop car, leading to a shoot out between the carjacker and a cop, which also serves as a montage of stock sounds. The cop, for some reason, avoids shooting the carjacker until he's already been hit multiple times, waiting until the carjacker is fleeing to shoot him in the back of the head. Y'know, like cops are supposed to do. Anyway this serves me right for assuming things, as the cop ends up dying in the hospital, but this at least means I was half right!

The film skips forward in time, yet again, so that the main character has given birth already. ...also the baby is named John Stewart. I'm not even joking. I just heard "I'm looking for baby John Stewart" and did a spit-take. Also the mom's friend is Ms. Grotke from Recess. Wow. I had to check out imdb to verify it, but it is, and it sounds just like her. Also I swear to god on this one, I promise you. ...I was joking about the ferengi references, I just thought he looked like Quark. Rumpelstiltskin is played by Max Grodenchik, aka Rom from DS9. Wow. I love that in low budget horror movies, when you run across recognizable faces like that, like Jennifer Aniston in Leprechaun, and that hot chick from American Pie in Jack Frost. Also we get a chekov's gun in the form of some bad talk show with an obnoxious host.

Anyway the green poop statue apparently isn't in the water anymore, it's in some sort of mystical magical newage shop that is, for some reason, covered in cobwebs. It's not abandoned, it's an actual shop, someone works there. Also we get a random shot of a puppet that suddenly moves. The movie won't address this but that's gonna bother me. That puppet is alive and we're just gonna ignore it. The puppet is alive! Burn it! BURN IT! It's like when in The Rock they make references to files relating to the government making first contact with aliens, and I'm like "Fuck this movie's plot, focus on that! I wanna hear more about that!"

The mother picks up the poop statue, and tells us that it looks like jade. No it doesn't. It looks like poop. Seriously, it looks like poop. It's turd shaped, and it's got that ugly green color that some animals leave behind. Anyway she buys it, and puts it by a photo of her husband taken during the opening scene. Seriously, it's super obvious that someone took that photo of him in the first scene, I love that in movies. She has a heartfelt conversation with the photo, which causes her to tear up, and as we've learned in so many kids movies, tears have resurrection powers. One tear hits the green poop statue, and Rom is back to life and ready to do some business.

Anyway her cop husband comes back to life, they get it on so the film can have a gratuitous sex scene, ...and then her husband turns into Rom! You had sex with a ferengi! She kicks him in the head, but obviously she was supposed to kick him in the nuts because that's how he reacts. She tries stabbing him a bunch of times, but when this proves useless, she decides that a broom is the ultimate weapon, because y'know. A broom. This manages to at least incapacitate him long enough for them to drive to safety!

...only to come back home the next day, with cops. She gives the baby to Ms Grotke to take care of, and they invite a psychiatrist friend over for dinner! ...who brought a dog? There wasn't a dog anywhere else in this movie, so I guess she brought it with her. Anyway the psychiatrist tells her the story of Rumpelstiltskin, because apparently there are people out there in America that have never heard of that before. Ms. Grotke also informs us that Mrs. Stewart's last name was Miller originally, meaning she's a Miller's daughter, like in the story! Thanks, Ms. Grotke.

We get a false scare, before Rumplestiltskin decides to be the Kool Aid Man and burst through the wall. He tries to reason with them, saying they could just make another baby, I guess he kinda has a point only her husband's dead now. Mrs. Stewart escapes in her car again, leaving her friend to get decapitated by Rom. Seriously, she just stands there and lets him grab her neck and snap it. We also get a really cheesy sequence wherein she briefly has his arm, cut off from his body, attached to the car, and the hand gives her the finger. It's like I'm really watching an even crappier version of Leprechaun! Kenny Rogers drives by on his motorcycle, as he often does, only to be thrown off... and he lets off that hilarious, never fitting, Howie Long YOUAAAAARGH scream. I love that stock scream so much. And yes, this means we get Rom playing a deformed hunchback midget on a motorcycle. ...and he has sunglasses for some reason, even though Kenny Rogers wasn't wearing any.

Sadly, the above sequence doesn't last that long, as Rom is a terrible driver. He crashes the motorcycle, a big rig river stumbles upon his body, big rig guy predictably gets killed, and now we have Rom as a trucker. East bound and down, loaded up and truckin', Rom's gonna do what they say can't be done! Anyway she ends up running into... surprise surprise, the obnoxious talk show host! Even I find this guy irritating. He tries to sound witty about finding a girl in her underwear, and he doesn't really sound like a real guy. Also we get, for some reason, "I Ran" by A Flock of Seagulls. Also it turns out the obnoxious talk show host even knows who Rumpelstiltskin is, obviously our hero is just a retard.

...Rumpelstiltskin just said "I love it when a plan comes together." You are not Hannibal, Rom! You are not! You aren't even in a van! You don't know how A-Team works at all! ...Oh god and he has a cigar too. Jesus Christ. This movie is the bastard child of Jack Frost and Leprechaun. We get a little Road Warrior car fight sequence which sort of becomes a battle of the hams between Obnoxious Talk Show Host and Rom, Rom easily wins, athough OTSH does slip into George Costanza mode which is pretty amusing. He's like if Knox from Burton's Batman merged with George from Seinfeld, that's all I can think.

This movie is just so insane. I'm seriously watching Rom driving an 18 wheeler chasing after Knox Costanza who is driving in a tiny brightly colored go kart thing. This is just... what. It's like we've entered Mario Kart territory or something. What the hell is going on anymore? This is just so damn wacky. Anyway Rom still sucks at driving, so he ends up going off a cliff, driving down a hill, shouting "Fucketh me!", and then... very slowly tapping a tree, which causes the entire truck to explode. Knox Costanza ends up doing the same thing, only he just blacks out instead of exploding, I don't get why he blacked out, but I -really- don't get why the truck exploded. Anyway a cop magically shows up to help both of them.

The next bit... is a head scratcher. Rom's still alive, Knox and the mother run off leaving the cop. Rom takes off his own head, puts it to the cops neck, cop drops but... isn't wounded so I don't know, then Knox shows up to bop Rom's head with a pipe, which causes Rom to blackout for some reason. ...okay. We also get more wackiness with a slap scene that uses a stock whip sound for said slap. Jesus this movie. Also more zany antics as Rom's body tries to find Rom's head using the hot and cold game. Wacky!

They try to hold up in an abandoned gas station, only for dozens of cops to show up and arrest them for the murder of that cop that just kinda blacked out earlier. I guess he did die? I don't know, most of that scene didn't make sense in the slightest. As you'd expect, while the two are stuck in a stereotypical jail cell inside of a police department that looks more like a cheap office building, Rom goes on a killing spree and murders all of the cops one by one. He doesn't have that hard of a time, as there's only like 4 cops and they're all in different rooms. I can only imagine how many breakouts they've had with that system. We also get more stock screams, hooray!

Anyway they team up with the old woman that owns the newage shop that she bought the poop statue from in order to find a way to defeat Rom, who has stolen baby John Stewart. It turns out they need straw in order to guarantee that future generations will get to enjoy The Daily Show! Also it turns out that Rom can remotely kill people with this mind, something he didn't bother doing until now for some reason, and he decides to use this on the old woman after she tells them how to kill him. Why not kill them too, Rom? Seriously. You just pulled a superpower out of your ass, why don't you use it on them!? Also here's a question. Rom is only immortal because he has no soul. He only wants the baby for its soul. So that way... Rom would die and the baby would live forever? Am I getting this right? That's... kinda odd. Does Rom only want to die?

Rom raises a bunch of zombies from the grave to fight them, zombies with electrostatic powers for some reason. ...only they're quickly defeated in like 30 seconds, and so he decides to just throw a lightning bolt at the ground infront of them instead. What. Dammit Rom stop pulling powers out of your ass. Anyway due to pure luck there's a barn right next to the graveyard! What a coincidence! So they gather up some hay, put it in a bulldozer, set it on fire, and driver the bulldozer over to him. I'm not making this up. They scoop him up in the fucking firey hay filled bulldozer, say his name multiple times, and he burns to death. I wish I was joking. He survives for awhile longer, slowly falling to bits before she remembers to say his name three times., causing him to turn back into a big green turd statue. She gets her baby back, Knox tosses the turdstatue like a football into a nearby lake, they both hook up and decide to go on a date, and the movie ends, finally.

...or not! We get some text saying "three years" later, and some kids find the green turd statue in that very same lake. They take it to their mother, who is holding a newborn baby. Fuck you movie, you don't get a sequel.

This movie was... awful. It was trying to be like Leprechaun, only it managed to somehow be something far worse. Something far wackier, less entertaining, and with a far more retarded ending. Still, I laughed a few times, and any Rom fans will want to check this out just to see him chew the scenery.

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