Thursday, July 14, 2011

6 Movie Boxes That Lied To Me As A Kid

When I was a little kid, I used to love going around the horror section of movie rental places, looking at the covers, and imagining what the movies were about. Now that I'm older, I've seen so many horror films that I've pretty much covered everything I ever wanted to see as a kid and more, and I've found that in many cases what I'd imagine was far, far better than what I got.

These are just some of my own experiences, but I'd love to see you guys post your own in the comments section, because this is -extremely- common in the horror genre. I mean even the poster for Tremors doesn't feature a graboid, it features some weird penis monster with big teeth.


What I Expected:
I'd seen the original Troll on TV once, but never got a chance to rent this as a kid. I assumed the film was about the giant troll from the ending of the first film, with a gigantic axe, hunting kids down. This sounded -awesome-. Seriously, it's right there on the fucking box.
It's right there. Giant troll, check. Scared kid, check. Battle axe, check. The original film was fun when I was like 5, so I figured maybe this'd be at least as good!
We need more movies where monsters go after kids. Except don't have the kids be granted immortality, as they usually are. This'd be awesome. That and the troll effects from the first film were actually kinda neat.

What I Got:

First off, no fucking trolls. Just goblins, which are tiny potato sack things that have deformed mask heads.
I figure most of you have seen the film, but for those that somehow havne't: Go see it.
It is, without a doubt, one of the funniest horrible films I've ever seen. I'm almost willing to call it our generation's Plan 9 From Outer Space. It's just so hilarious, so many bits and pieces from the film have entered meme territory, and there's a bunch of Rocky Horror Picture Show style interactions people do while watching the film in groups.
Really, the only thing actually accurate about that fucking cover is that there is a kid, and he looks like that.
Troll 3's even less accurate. Instead of trolls or goblins? It has killer fucking vines. That's worse than Dark Harvest 2, which replaced killer scarecrows with... a big corn maze (a maize maze, if you will) that some guy gets lost in.


What I Expected:
Isn't it obvious? Green demons come out of your toilet and rip your rectum apart. This movie box scared the crap out of me as a kid. I remember being like 4 or 5 years old and checking the toilet each time to make sure one of those things wasn't hiding in there. Even the tagline suggests they're going to rip your ass apart.
I mean who the hell wouldn't be terrified of a monster that targets your ass? It'd be like Alien, only worse!

What I Got:

Ghoulies is basically the middleground between Gremlins and Hobgoblins, like if the two films had a retarded baby. It's kinda like Troll 1, only less kid friendly.
I'd never recommend watching the first film, as it's horribly boring, but Ghoulies 2 is a fun film. Also, despite the poster, nobody gets hurt from a toilet demon until Ghoulies 2, and even then it's offscreen and only happens once.
Basically you get a movie where tiny goblin muppet things mess around, have fun, and scare people at a party that is filled with people that are so 80's they shit cocaine. Toilets aren't really involved... at all. I don't really get why they chose that advertising campaign. "Hey Bob. This here Freddy Kreuger. You think people'd find him scarier if we had him coming out of a toilet?" "I dunno Tad, I guess so. Maybe they'd think he was going to shove that glove of his up their butt."


What I Expected:
First off, although I can't find a gif showing it, the original box had a holographic card cover so that at certain angles it showed a happy snowman, and if you tilted it the snowman became what you see up there.
I remember as a kid seeing this happy snowman box and not getting why it was in the horror section, so I picked it up and... saw -that-. Scared the crap out of me. I remember thinking it was some movie about a monster that poses as a snowman and eats people. Like it looks like a snowman, and then it transforms into that thing when there's only one person around, and eats them. Like some awesome holiday themed slasher/monster-movie.

What I Got:

The film turned out to be a really slapstick, wacky comedy with horror elements. I mean yes, the snowman kills people, but he always looks like a happy snowman. He kills people in extremely comedic and silly ways, including raping the chick from American Pie to death using his carrot nose as a penis. I am not joking.
I love all the people that mistook this film, due to how happy the box looked at a certain angle, for the Michael Keaton film of the same name. Instead of crappy kids movie about a guy coming back to life as a snowman to spend time with his son, they get a wisecracking, oneliner spewing killer snowman.
Don't get me wrong, it's a funny movie, and I'd recommend it to anyone that liked the Leprechaun series.
Speaking of Leprechaun...


What I Expected:
Yeah, I know what you're thinking. How the hell did this box confuse me as a kid? Well, I thought the leprechaun looked fucking creepy. I expected some movie about demons that looked like leprechauns, and went about killing people. I remember that I used to worry that I'd wake up and see that face peeking around my door, staring at me. I was seriously afraid of that thing when I was like 6.
Admit it, the makeup on the leprechaun is pretty damn awesome, and it's genuinely creepy looking if you block out the actual movie.

I mean even the trailer is creepy.

What I Got:

A wacky, silly comedy-horror starring Warwick Davis, aka Willow, as a leprechaun that tracks down the chick from Friends, a little kid, and a mentally challenged guy in order to get his gold coins back. He shines shoes, he kills someone with a pogostick (the victim looks kinda like Booger to me), and rides a tricycle.
Don't get me wrong, I personally find the franchise to be hilarious, but holy crap that was not what 6 year old me expected. I'm noticing a trend, kid me always assumed that the things on boxes were actual monsters, rather than yknow... a snowman, a leprechaun, etc.

Sometimes They Come Back For More

What I Expected:
I thought this movie would be like The Thing (which I'd gotten to see when I was 7), except with demons instead of aliens. I mean it's right there in the poster. Big red demonic hand reaching out from the snow, there's some building in the background... I mean that could have been kinda awesome. The Thing with demons would have been awesome to 7 year old me.

What I Got:

Well. It's set in Antarctica, it does rip off elements of The Thing, and it does feature demons. Sadly, it doesn't incorporate any of those as I'd expected.
The final product is a tremendous hunk of crap where a bunch of miners in Antarctica panic a bunch, shakey cam happens, and some humans that are demonically possessed attack their teammates.
Don't bother ever checking it out, even by Sci-Fi Channel standards it's pretty fucking poor quality. Also none of the demons looks like that hand would imply. They're mainly just humans, and sometimes humans with shitty makeup jobs.


What I Expected:
Horribly deformed guy (The Ugly) goes around mutilating people with switchblade in order to make them as ugly as himself. I'd heard the urban legend as a kid of some woman with a deformed face that would ask you if she was ugly or beautiful, and if you answered incorrectly she'd mutilate you in turn, so I figured maybe it was based on that. I mean, eight year old me thought that sounded awesome.

What I Got:

Whiny New Zealander with an irritating, girly voice whines and moans to someone that interviews him. He sees dead people that look like they threw up blood. He may or may not have killed two people... really, the bulk of the movie is just him bitching and moaning.
I mean sure, what 8 year old me expected sounds cliche and unoriginal as hell, but it still beats listening to this man whine and complain for the entire damn movie. He sounds like he's crying even when he's not, and it ends up making him hard to understand. I don't mean his accent, I mean the fact that he sounds like he's been crying for hours between takes.


  1. While I don't totally agree with everything posted, that's a great way to put together a blog about horror films and such. I can't believe I never thought of that before.

    Besides, I don't give that big of a shit about the difference between the trailer for & movie Leprechaun. It had young Jennifer Aniston wearing overalls, and the rich kid from Pee Wee's Big Adventure....what the hell more could you want?

  2. I did love it, I just find it funny how creepy the trailer and poster managed to be. It's like how Polish movie posters manage to make any movie look like a drug-fueled psychological thriller, even if it's a feel good family movie.

    Honestly I actually kinda love when trailers do that, though I find it funnier when they work in reverse. That is, the trailer appears to be for a feel-good comedy, or a light-heartened fantasy, and then you actually see it and you get... something like Pan's Labyrinth, which was advertised as basically being like LotR. So many scared kids, was hilarious.