Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Sorority Row

I thought I'd try something different and get my friends to decide on a bad horror film of their choosing for me to watch and commentate on. Proving how much my friends love me, they suggested the Rumer Willis slasher Sorority Row. I mean, how bad could it be?

For anyone not familiar with Rumer Willis, she's Bruce Willis's daughter, and her head looks like a giant potato someone crudely glued facial features to. She serves as a great reminder to just how unfortunate genetics can be, especially when your dad has an extremely manly jawline.

The film begins as I should have expected it to. A bunch of loud, obnoxious sorority stereotypes drunkenly partying with frat boys to some really loud electropop music. The credits tell me that, for some reason, Carrie Fisher is in this movie. Why Leia, why? Apparently it's her house everyone's partying at, and she herself is drinking copious amounts of booze.

We also get our first glimpse of Jawtanic herself Rumer Willis as some redhead with glasses that doesn't look like she belongs at this kind of party. I can't ignore that chin and jaw, Jesus Christ. It's like I'm watching an SNL skit and that's just Adam Sandler with a wig or something.

She's drinking with her bitchy, stuckup, stereotypical friends as they watch webcam footage of someone they know feeling up someone else they know. It turns out that it's the brother of one of the girls, who has given roofies to the girl he's trying to have sex with, but she goes into some vomiting, convulsing frenzy. The guy gave her -multiple- roofies, and she's overdosing. ...only it's a prank!

God I hate movies like this, where the main cast is made up of the kind of people you wouldn't brake for. Well, they keep up the act, all of them shoving her into a van to take her to the hospital, all the while the guy that drugged her is going ballistic because he thinks he killed her. Yeah, this is a great way to show off your major characters, movie. Every one person you've shown us so far, beyond Carrie Fisher, deserves to be killed off by whatever you're gonna throw at us and it's only a few minutes in. Any other evil things you wanna have 'em do first? Oh, you tell him to get some sharp rocks to dismember her with. That couldn't turn out bad.

So he gets a tire iron and starts dismembering her, only to find out, surprise, she's not dead! But now she is. Jesus Christ you guys are a bunch of fucking morons. How was any of this a good idea? How? This is worse than fucking Jawbreaker! Hell, at least Jawbreaker gave us Rose McGowan, who was pretty fucking hot. It also didn't fucking feature Princess Leia at the lowest point of her career, just Marilyn Manson in an awkward cameo!

So, the girls decide that it's better to coverup the death because they all have boyfriends, one's a senator's daughter or some shit, etc. etc. So... yeah, this is like fucking Jawbreaker meets I Know What You Did Last Summer, isn't it? And either she's gonna return from the dead, or someone who witnessed it is going to stalk down the teens and murder them one by one? Goodie. They're already turning on each other, blaming each other, etc. Not a single one of them is showing any sign of being even remotely similar to a decent human being.

Eight months later, it's graduation time! Just in case you were worried our starlets would be sober at any point, they all start drinking champagne in the next scene. We find out that the sorority sisters barely talk since the incident at the start of the film, which has been labeled as a "disappearance." I do love in films how one person can be spotted with a bunch of others, and disappear immediately after, and that's never suspicious. At all. In real life, even without any evidence, the sorority sisters and the rapist would be under heavy watch.

Well, damn. I was right. They all start getting text messages on their phones with pictures of the tire iron that was used to murder their friend. This doesn't seem to really faze them that much, save for one that's feeling guilty over everything. I'm having a hard time telling most of the girls apart, since aside from Blond Bitch, Token Minority Girl, and Rumer, they all talk alike, act alike, etc. Since they don't really have personalities or anything to really differentiate them beyond faces and hairstyles, it gets a bit messy. So, just a warning, I may make some mistakes and it may get a bit hard to tell which person I'm talking about.

We get Carrie Fisher again, who has really not aged well. She's playing the leader of the sorority, and god damn I feel so sorry for her. It always pains me to see a beloved actor or actress get stuck doing the kind of movies you find in bargain bins. Princess Leia, Alex de Large, Doc Brown, find them all in your local Suncoast's $5 or less bin!

More drinking time! The second Carrie Fisher leaves, the sorority sisters put on some crappy sounding electropop, burst out the kegs, and set up for partying. One even begins skinny dipping in broad daylight, just because. Seriously, this is the most stereotypical I've seen college kids get in a horror film. Can you please start killing them off, movie? Please?

Just in case you wanted more horrible people, the film gives us Dr. Rosenberg, in his boxers, handcuffed to a bed, apparently after having sex with a student/patient. Thankfully he's abruptly killed when the I Know What You Did Last Summer guy tosses a tire iron into his head as if it was a fucking ninja star. Jesus Christ, movie. Apparently this ninja is really great at cleaning up too, because it only takes him about 20 seconds to cleanly move the body and remove all blood save for a tiny puddle on the floor. We need some actual horror movies about ninjas.

Anyway one of the sorority bitches reclines on the couch, starts drinking some booze from a bottle, when the ninja shows back up, shoves it down her throat, and then shoves the tire iron through her neck. Tire iron's a pretty fucking retarded weapon for a slasher film, honestly. Why don't you just give us Rake: The Motion Picture. A farmer gets killed by a bunch of horny teens with his own rake. A local farmhand witnesses it, and stalks those teens with... that same very rake! Starring Paris Hilton and Sarah Michelle Gellar. Brad Dourif would, sadly get cast as the farm guy. Also Bill Nye will be the "your inner child is crying seeing them stoop so low" appearance.

Of course, this wouldn't be a shitty teen-filled horror film without some gratuitous nudity in an effort to apologize for how awful the rest of the film is. So! We get a bunch of the girls naked in the showers. Just as everyone but one of the sorority sisters involved with the killing has left the showers, the tire iron ninja strikes again! This time by... uhh... oh, he just shoves it through her jaw. Tire iron ninja lacks originality.

Meanwhile! Rumer Willis is wandering around the boiler room from Nightmare on Elm Street for some reason. Please Kreuger, kill her. You owe me. I watched all of your movies multiple times and I gave a good review to the remake! Sadly that doesn't happen. Instead after a false scare, we get the sisters talking about how they're finding bits of the jacket they'd draped over the corpse at the beginning, so they know that someone knows and is stalking them. The only one that seems -really- bothered over it is Rumer, so they decide to party!

The party is loud, obnoxious, everyone's drunk, bubbles everywhere, there's like 200+ people crammed into one house, and there's at least seven naked people. So, about what you'd expect. Maybe if we're lucky, Tire Iron Ninja will kill everyone in the party in a scene that could rival the mass killing in the third Hellraiser film! That'd be sure nice of him.

Some poor guy got drunk enough to even try hitting on Rumer, poor guy. Said douchebag is apparently selling bracelets to get into the party in exchange for being flashed. Thankfully Tire Iron Ninja is there! We get a good luck at his weapon, which is collapsible, and there's blades attached to each end of it. I can't stop lolling. He breaks the guy's leg, guy tries calling out to people outside but they just assume it's a joke (I hate that cliche so much), and in the end his throat gets slit by the Swiss Army Pocket Tire Iron.

The teens get another video showing the teen getting murdered, this time with a text message from the murdered teen saying she wants to meet up where they murdered her. I know I wasn't supposed to but I laughed out loud, quite literally, when I saw the text message. I never thought I Knew What You Did Last Summer would look so good by comparison, even the sequel looks fantastic compared to this lump of shit. I'd rather watch Urban Legends II and Urban Legends III: Bloody Mary back to back for an entire week than ever rewatch this, and I hope that whoever was responsible for this ended up losing all their money on this project, preventing them from ever doing another film.

All the teens save for the date rapist (who is mysteriously and suspiciously not present in any of these scenes) end up deciding that's a great idea, so they drive out to where their friend got murdered. Once there, they find... the date rapist, covered in blood! One of the teens decides now would be a good idea to RUN HIM OVER until he's dead. Turns out the blood was his own, and he was slitting his wrists, and he'd been receiving the same text messages!

The girls decide that one of them should go down the mine entrance/well/whatever the fuck it is by descending down a chain. But as quickly as one of them can say "Oh wait, the chain!", the chain snaps. Seriously, there was no reason for her to shout that, and it doesn't snap until she says that. Fuck this movie. They find no sign of the body, but a bloody sign threatening them, so they go back to the party.

The token minority ends up getting lassoed by the Tire Iron Ninja, and has a flare gun fired into her mouth, killing her. If I facepalm any harder while watching this movie, I will require extensive surgery to remove my hand from deep inside my skull. We get a catfight between two of the sorority chicks over an unrelated incident of sluttiness, because people in slasher films have only have thirty second memories.

Just then Carrie Fisher comes in and breaks the nose of one of the sorority bitches, with tbe butt of a shotgun. I fucking cheered. One of the teens lets it slip that they murdered a girl, causing PRINCESS LEIA TO PUMP HER SHOTGUN. Please shoot them all, Leia. You can do it. The republic wants you to do it. Han wants you to do it. Turn this into the lesser known prequel to the new Rutger Hauer movie, Princess With A Shotgun. She is easily the best thing in this movie. Sadly, the Tire Iron Ninja pretty quickly kills her too, because sadly princesses aren't that good of shots.

I guess Tire Iron Ninja's feeling tired, because he pulls a molotov cocktail out of nowhere and sets fire to the house from the inside. The slutty boyfriend of one of the slutty girls comes in, clad in the same black robe as the killer, and attacks them. Maybe I'm wrong, I mean I got my knowledge of fraternities from movies, but what graduation gown is pure black and has a full hood? Anyway someone else's boyfriend comes in, axes that guy in the head, and... oh shit, he has the tire iron! Someone's Boyfriend was the killer all along! He shoves the tire iron through Blonde Bitch's mouth, killing her. Turns out it was all to protect his girlfriend!

Anyway, the Final Girl (the killer's boyfriend) and Rumer Willis try to escape from Tire Iron Ninja/Psycho Boyfriend, as well as save the dead girl's sister. Just as things look their darkest, as Tire Iron Ninja has Final Girl pinned, Mrs. Potatohead herself comes in with Carrie Fisher's shotgun and shoots him to death. So, the final three girls leave the sorority home as it burns down! I'm sad that anyone survived this piece of shit. We get a really god awful musical shot of the three girls walking away from the fire set to some god fucking awful pop music, and just then the cops and firemen come to put out the fire!

15 weeks later, this movie hasn't had the good grace to fucking end. The music continues over a slowmo shot of more college stereotypes having fun. The final shot is... the guy that got run over earlier, brandishing one of those tiny garden spade things as if he's gonna murder people. And then the fucking credits roll.

This was easily the worst slasher film I've seen in years. Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Urban Legends 3, Prom Night's remake, See No Evil? All fucking better than this piece of shit. Avoid this at all costs. If a friend gives you a copy of this film, beat your friend to death with the case, no jury would find you guilty.

1 comment:

  1. i totally agree with u. i was totally to see carrie fisher in this movie. i felt sorry for her too. i love this blog about the movie and beat your friend with a cane. LMFAO. great job. thanks for the review. take care. keep up the good work.