Zooming in on a burning person crucified on a slanted cross, that's how a movie should begin! We pan over another corpse before getting some creepy psalm music about how it's holy to be drenched in the blood of a lamb during the opening credits, before we cut to some awesome shit I can only compare to Evil Dead. Some old, witchlike woman is trying to keep demons out of her cabin, when she discovers that the man she's with has been possessed, and spews blood at her. ...causing the farmhouse to fucking explode. I shit you not. -That- is how you fucking start a movie. You're doing good, Demon Wind, keep it coming.
We flash forward to Corey some woman in a car, driving down a vast empty plane before Corey flashes back to his old drunk father... then quickly we go back to them in the car! That was pointless, movie. They bicker a bit, because the woman's upset that Corey meeting his father wasn't better, and how it's left them silent. Meanwhile a creepy dark eyed girl points a stick at their passing car while ominous synth music plays, for about a minute and a half, seriously. This lets us know this kid is evil. If that didn't clue you in, she also pokes a skull with the stick, before smiling evilly.
They stop at a gas station, which Corey feels like he's been at before in a dream. Cue him... in a dream, at night, standing infront of the gas station naked for a couple of minutes, before cutting back. Corey, why can't you have more important dreams and flashbacks? The gas station's pretty much abandoned save for a gumpy old guy, and some woman that runs the diner. If you were put off by the random man-ass a few minutes ago, Corey's girlfriend/wife/whatever shows off hers as well. So far everyone in this film save for her seems... randomly grumpy, tired, and afraid. It's like a town with a secret, only Corey acts like that too.
In walks Dell and his girlfriend. Right off the bat Dell seems like he'll be our jock doucebag for the movie, as he wastes no time at all making sexist comments. We also get Jack and some girl he came with, Jack seems like he'll be our quirky annoying guy, but he also dresses like he's a 1930s college professor, so who knows. They all sit around a dinner table, and we find out they're all there because Corey's dad killed himself after meeting him. So that's why he's grumpy. We get some back story detailing that his dad's family vanished one day at that farm, so he and his friends are going to investigate! Cue one of my favorite horror cliches: Grumpy old guy warns them to avoid the farm. This time with a twist, as this grumpy old guy actually whips out a gun and tells them to get out. Apparently he witnessed the incident, or at least the aftermath, and doesn't want anyone else to get hurt. The gun's not loaded though, so he's not as crazy as I expected.
Want some more crazy? In comes a crazy kung fu magician. He does some tricks, goes kung fu on a beer can, etc all set to a synth version of Ride of the Valkyries that reminds me of the version played on the AfterDark flying toasters screensaver. Really, what horror film doesn't need a kung fu magician as a supporting character? I can think of many films that would instantly be improved. You know all those dull, uneventful moments in Paranormal Activity? Y'know, 95% of the film? Well now imagine that nagging housewife was actually married to a kung fu magician. There, I just made Paranormal Activity better. I find it funny that everyone in this film came in pairs. Three pairs of what I assume are lovers, and the magician brought his male assistant.
The group of eight explore around the farmhouse, which is still furnished and everything since it was destroyed. On top of this, the only thing left on the outside is just one wall and a door, yet on the inside the house appears to be pretty much normal. This farmhouse was obviously made of the same material as the Tardis. Sure, on the outside it appears to just be a wall with a door, but on the inside it's an entire house! And they don't seem to find this that creepy!
One of the women reads aloud some Satanic Latin chant that causes shit to hit the fan: Fire leaping out of the fireplace, furniture throwing itself, knives flinging into walls, etc. 18th Century Professor Jack however thinks it's simply a group hallucination, even after all of their car batteries die en mass. Skeptics in horror movies are funny like that. They're like the atheists that pop up in Discworld books.
They wander off a bit, but a fog comes in and teleports them back to the house! Suddenly three little girls are teleported in with the same visual effect putties use in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers when they teleport, except now it's also got a cheap synth sound effect added on it. They tell them, in a super creepy voice, that they can't leave. One of the little girls grabs onto one of the women in the group, then vanishes before turning her into a baby doll... that bleeds, and then sets on fire... and explodes. Wow. Also the guys don't seem to really react much to this. The lead guy even says the things aren't trying to kill them, just warn them. Well then what the fuck just happened to that woman? Seriously! She's dead now! She turned into a doll, bled, burned up, and exploded! I'd say she's pretty fucking dead, and the only one that seems to react in the slightest is Jack, the guy she drove in with!
Somehow they decide it'd be a smart idea to stay in the farmhouse for the night, wherein Corey starts exploring for clues about his family. They left him a journal detailing some oddities such as how their ancestors followed a preacher by the name of Enders who believed he could summon Satan near the farmhouse. The non-Satan worshipers ended up burning Enders and his followers alive inside of the house. Years later, Corey's family starts vanishing mysteriously, which is why it came down to just him and his dad, and why his dad got rid of him. Also they left him some daggers, similar to the ones those religious guys used on Damien, that was kind of them.
The magician and his assistant are looking outside when they see a hot topless blond chick calling them out there. Thankfully they're genre savvy enough to know to at least carry a shotgun with them, and be suspicious. She turns into a creepy flying deadite thing, so they open fire on her, attracting the attention of more deadites, all dressed like turn of century farmers. Thankfully they've got an assload of ammo, so they manage to shoot a bunch of them dead. Sadly, the assistant ends up randomly coming down with a slit throat, so the magician is left to ROUNDHOUSE KICK THE FUCKING HEAD OFF A ZOMBIE WOMAN. Seriously, that is fucking awesome. Too bad he dies shortly after, because seriously that guy was awesome. The rest of the living group wake up and see their bodies outside, and -this- time react. Apparently the magician and his assistant were way more important than the pink sweater girl.
The next morning, apparently the film sent out a request for two additional characters since they've lost three so far. In comes a really super fucking 80's couple. Seriously, the guy's got like, blue khakis, a white jacket, one really feminine earring that dangles from his ear, and some pretty damn 80's hair. He looks like he could just whip out a keytar and defeat the undead with some kick ass 80's tunes. That may sound silly, but then again this movie had a fucking kung fu magician.
Dell and his girlfriend walk off into the night when the fog surrounds them, turning his girlfriend into a demon that... stabs him through the skull with her fingernails. It's really hilarious looking, like he's just got these tiny stab woods in his skull that a fountain of blood leaks down from. His dying words are seriously a very unemotional sounding "But I loved you." I seriously love the bad acting in this film. You can tell most of them are just half-assedly reading from the script, as there's several instances of them reading out what seem to be typos and grammatical errors in the script. In some films that'd be a negative, but it just adds to the fun with this movie.
The rest of the group check out the barn that got mentioned multiple times in the journal. where they find a tiny human skeleton with a big cow skull up top. One of the ladies finds it to be beautiful, so she goes in for a closer look only for a gigantic tongue to shoot out of the skull, wrap around her neck, and pull her in so tht skull can slowly eat her head in an extremely bloody way. This film really reminds me a lot of Evil Dead, the original film, but in a good way. The deaths are cheesy, the makeup and blood effects are surprisingly good, and the writing is hilariously awful.
Zombie versions of the magician and his assistant come out and attack the group, but get their ass kicked. They lose track of 80's Guy for a moment, until the zombie version of the chick that got her head eaten pops up with his decapitated head. Corey finally remembers that he's got daggers on him, so he stabs her with it, causing her to vanish like... well, I'm sorry but putties come to mind again. Blame the little girls from earlier, they gave me nostalgic flashbacks. The three remaining people hold up in the farmhouse, where apparently his grandma's spells are still protecting the place, zapping the zombies with electricity so they can't come in. This doesn't last though, as somehow with no explanation the zombies break the spell anyway.
Corey forgets yet again that he's got a zombie killing knife on him, so he takes to just shooting the zombies that try to enter with a shotgun. Not that I'm complaining, way more entertaining to watch. Elsewhere in the house, separated from the group, Jack gets bitten by a zombie on the arm, causing him to hallucinate and see Bonnie, the pink sweater girl that nobody seem to give a shit about earlier in the film. Of course, this turns him into a zombie dressed in turn of the century professor clothing, which is awesome looking. He fondles the lone surviving girl's breasts for awhile, not really attacking her, before he stabs him in the eye with one of the magic daggers. Which... causes him to turn human, de-age into a baby, and then turn into a dove. ...for some reason. Seriously, what the shit? That didn't happen last time someone got stabbed. Does the dagger do random things? Is this like fucking Lego Island and the effects of the dagger vary from whoever is using it? Hmm... Lego Island with zombies...
Enders, the preacher referenced earlier, shows up and calls all of the zombies forward in a way that makes me think back to Vincent Price's bit in Michael Jackson's Thriller. He merges with all of the zombies to turn himself into one big monsterous zombie. Also this somehow causes Bonnie to show up, who he proceeds to bite into, aging her as he does so, until she's nothing but a skeleton. He's also got a really corny sounding distorted voice which just makes him all the more awesome.
Corey and his girlfriend/wife make a chalk symbol on the floor, he says some magic words, and turns into a cheap version of one of the guys from Alien Nation so tht he can fight the super zombie, who shoots laser and lightning effects at him. This ends up seeming kinda pointless because the super demon still ends up killing him by... burning points into his forehead? Thankfully none of that matters, because it was all a dream! Corey wakes up to find out everyone's still alive and in the cabin. ...only it's not, as they're all horrible zombies, and even his lover's been turned into a monster! He keeps leaping around like Sam Beckett, traveling back to see his dad slit his own wrists, then start beating him. But he can't beat him, because he's not afraid! ...err. Since when did any of that matter? Apparently the super zombie's biggest weakness is people not fearing him, like he's IT or something.
Alien Nation Corey flies into the super zombie like some reject from Dragonball, distracting him while his lover, turned human again, recites some incantation which sets the superdemon on fire. Because really, no matter what, fire kills everything. Seriously, it just burns to death and a bunch of souls come out of it. The house ends up becoming thin cardboard and collapsing on them, but due to how light thin cardboard can be, they aren't injured in the slightest. Also Corey's back to being human. They decide to drive off back home, but not before making a quick stop at the gas station to blow up the woman that works there with a magic blue laser. The film ends as their van speeds off and we get a look at the evil little girl from the start of the film, who turns towards the camera to reveal that she's also a zombie... or Rocky Dennis, one of the two. Sequel hook, perhaps!? Sadly, no.
Altogether this was a pretty fucking awesome movie, despite how bad the acting was, how cheesy the script was, etc. If you like the original Evil Dead movie, and the Night of the Demons movies, you'll love this. It's got a little bit of both merged into one fun b-grade flick.
This weekend, expect some nostalgia on here as I've gotten my hands on a relatively rare Disney made-for-tv horror movie they used to show around Halloween back when I was a kid.
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